Up Late in America's Drunkest City

It's late time
Saturday night
(maybe Thursday)
sky's getting dark
we're getting smashed
like this glass
that we broke
on this empty
country road
no one around
it's just us
but more things
are breaking
than these cups
we agreed we could
live without
we'll wake up soon
and you'll have
forgotten the things
you said and
only the broken
glass we left behind
will give testament.

Mind on your music

It's half past midnight and I'm awake watching Classic Arts Showcase on KNXT Visalia just like old times; back when I was seventeen and first fell in love with opera and performing. I used to watch this back in high school when I couldn't sleep and once an opera video came on from La Traviata. It was Anna Moffo (haha mofo!) singing "Addio del passato" by Verdi. It was 1 a.m. and I was falling asleep but I was so captivated by it. I was struck by this sad dying woman singing to God with her last breath begging him to forgive her for the things she'd done. And the music! The music that makes your senses come alive; that flows out to you like a hundred fluffy dandelion seeds blown by the wind. And that oboe! It makes you feel like your chest is going to crack open and your heart spill out.

And now here I am seven years later and I'm watching another late night opera video. And it's La Traviata again!  It's Dame Joan Sutherland singing "Sempre Libera." It's been awhile since I've felt inspired. I love singing. I love the lights, excitement, the feeling you get when an entire theater is focused on the drama that you are making, and most of all the music. Seeing that tonight made me remember that I can't lose focus now or get distracted from the thing that I really love, because I won't be satisfied until I see my name on the outside of my own damn dressing room.

Still Fighting

        I don't understand why people are so defensive when it comes to looking at their character flaws. Why wouldn't you want to see yourself as others see you? And if you do something or act in a way that is either hurtful or just not cool, wouldn't you want to change that? But no, if you point out something that was wack (for lack of a better term) you'll get whiplash from the verbal assualt that inevitably ensues. Perhaps most people just don't care about whether they have character or not. If I point out when someone is being a jerk (not just anyone, usually someone I care about, and in a nice way!) it's because I assume they would rather not be one. Maybe I'm wrong. It's not that I think I never do anything wrong or that I never act badly. I grew up in a house that, along with praise and encouragement, made darn sure I was aware of any bad behavior or lack of character in myself. It wasn't to make me feel guilty or bad about myself (though sometimes that's unavoidable I guess), it was for the purpose of instruction; becoming aware so that I would be able to change into a virtuous person. Don't confuse a virtuous person with a "good" person as people are so fond of calling themeselves. Everyone seems to think they are "good" people just because they don't kill people, don't rob stores, and occasionally recycle. Well woop dee do! Newsflash: Most people don't go around busting caps in people or knocking over liqour stores. That's why the people who do murder and steal make the news.

          I'm not content with being that kind of person; the kind that stays away from the crazy bad stuff so to speak, but who is otherwise compeletly self-absorbed. I want to go beyond "good" to become a person who has virtue; who is compassionate, generous, and caring. I'm not saying I have those things down. Sometimes it feels like everyday is a battle, but at least I'm fighting.